Why Is It?

Today is five months since Michael is gone and it marks five months and five days since I spoke to him and five and a half months since he left me a voicemail and five months and 8 days since he texted me. Why is it that today, five months, hurts more than four or three or two or one. Nothing hurts more than October 8, 2011. I will be 37 in two weeks and I hate that he’s not here to celebrate… to give me a card, like he does every year with an indecipherable message scribbled inside that always meant the world… I want him here to share with me the beauty.. the fear, the unknown… the life that I live. Today I woke at 230 am haunted by the fact that  it was five months today… I got up, made coffee and sat in the darkness of my home. We weren’t supposed to be a trio.. we were a foursome.  It tears my heart apart on many many days and then on others I get up and bring the boy to school, work 9 hours, and spend a few hours with Nitza before bed.. but today I hurt. I just want to get in my car and drive and never come back to anything… I love you Mikey… more than you’ll probably ever know.

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